The Thoughts I Swear Are Mine

The Thoughts I Swear Are Mine

I wake up swinging before my feet hit the floor

Heart on guard like it’s been here before

Every sound a threat, every glance a test

Every breath measured—no time to rest

Coffee tastes like worry, news tastes like war

Even silence feels loud to the core

I call it instinct, I call it “me”

But it’s always choosing who I should be

Fight if I’m cornered, flee if I’m weak

Win the argument, or don’t even speak

Every memory sharpened into a blade

Every joy taxed, every pleasure delayed

I swear these thoughts are mine alone

Built of flesh and blood and bone

Don’t tell me different, don’t cross that line

Ain’t nobody telling me these ain’t mine

But watch it closer—real slow, real tight

Same reactions morning and night

Same heat in the chest, same closing jaw

Same story repeated like unbroken law

It tastes like fear with a prideful grin

Smells like control dressed up as “win”

Feels like pressure behind the eyes

Like I must defend just to stay alive

Then one day—nothing holy or bright

Just tired of losing the same damn fight

I see the anger before it speaks

See the panic before it peaks

And for one small breath—thin as air—

I’m not inside it… I’m watching it there

The thought still shouts, the feeling still roars

But I’m not pinned to the floor anymore

No fireworks, no haloed sound

Just a little space where I’m not bound

The ego screams, “GET BACK IN LINE”

Because it knows… it’s losing time

Not dying, not broken, not cast away

Just no longer ruling every day

And in that crack—so quiet, so small—

I don’t need to fight

I don’t need to fall

There’s a taste I’ve never known before

Not victory, not settling a score

It’s soft like water, steady and warm

Not shaped by fear, not needing form

No enemy here, no self to defend

No story to win, no point to bend

Just life moving through what I used to claim

And suddenly nothing needs a name

That’s when love shows up without a sound

Not as a prize—but as solid ground

And I finally see, with no disguise…

The thoughts still come

They’re just not who I am.

Torn Between Desire and Fate

Torn between desire and fate

Filled with rage and hate

Wanting to break totally free

From all this evil inside of me

I wake up tired before the day begins

Fighting the weight of my wants and sins

Bills on the table, blame in my head

Words I regret that I wish I never said

I say I want truth, but I bargain for ease

I pray for connection, then beg for my peace

I swear I’m done running, then turn at the gate

Cursing the road while I tempt my own fate

The ego screams loud, “This pain isn’t fair”

It counts every loss and keeps perfect repair

It says, “You deserve more—why suffer this way?”

So I feed it excuses and call it a day

But somewhere between the collapse and the cry

A quieter question slips gently by

“If not for yourself, then who will you be

When the work demands honesty?”

I start to see cracks where the light gets in

Not fixing the mess, just owning the sin

I stop asking why this weight is mine

And ask how to walk it one step at a time

The rage slows down, becomes something raw

Not a weapon to swing, but a truth that I saw

The hate turns inward, then loosens its grip

When I stop demanding the world make the shift

And then—without warning, without a sign—

I feel a warmth that was never mine

Not earned by effort, not bought by pain

But waiting between us again and again

There is none else here—no blame, no foe

Every push, every pull was You all along, I know

My part was never to win or be strong

Only to choose You when I was wrong

So take this heart, still shaking, still torn

Still learning how to be newly born

I bring You my effort, my will, my plea

And You give back love that carries me

Not because I’m pure, or finished, or wise

But because You were there behind my cries

And in that love, steady and true,

I finally rest—between me and You.