Torn between desire and fate
Filled with rage and hate
Wanting to break totally free
From all this evil inside of me
I wake up tired before the day begins
Fighting the weight of my wants and sins
Bills on the table, blame in my head
Words I regret that I wish I never said
I say I want truth, but I bargain for ease
I pray for connection, then beg for my peace
I swear I’m done running, then turn at the gate
Cursing the road while I tempt my own fate
The ego screams loud, “This pain isn’t fair”
It counts every loss and keeps perfect repair
It says, “You deserve more—why suffer this way?”
So I feed it excuses and call it a day
But somewhere between the collapse and the cry
A quieter question slips gently by
“If not for yourself, then who will you be
When the work demands honesty?”
I start to see cracks where the light gets in
Not fixing the mess, just owning the sin
I stop asking why this weight is mine
And ask how to walk it one step at a time
The rage slows down, becomes something raw
Not a weapon to swing, but a truth that I saw
The hate turns inward, then loosens its grip
When I stop demanding the world make the shift
And then—without warning, without a sign—
I feel a warmth that was never mine
Not earned by effort, not bought by pain
But waiting between us again and again
There is none else here—no blame, no foe
Every push, every pull was You all along, I know
My part was never to win or be strong
Only to choose You when I was wrong
So take this heart, still shaking, still torn
Still learning how to be newly born
I bring You my effort, my will, my plea
And You give back love that carries me
Not because I’m pure, or finished, or wise
But because You were there behind my cries
And in that love, steady and true,
I finally rest—between me and You.
