The Torah That Didn't Fix Me

 

“The Torah That Didn’t Fix Me”

I learned Your words like iron and stone,

But kept my throne—still all my own.

I stacked up pages, proud and sure,

Yet stayed the same—unclean, impure.

I wore the verses like a crown,

While secret dust still dragged me down.

I called it “study,” called it “light,”

But dodged the war inside the night.

Because the truth is hard to bear:

My heart wants payment, not to care.

It wants a God who serves my plan,

A holy stamp for selfish man.

So when You hid, I took offense,

Like I deserved a recompense.

My mouth turned Pharaoh—Peh Ra grin,

And holy words became my sin.

Then came the crack—no place to run,

No taste in gold, no warmth in sun.

I saw my Torah had a cost:

Without the work, the Light is lost.

So here’s my plea—no clever art:

Don’t feed my brain—reform my heart.

Take this dust and raise it high,

Make bestowal my battle-cry.

Let me bless the goal before I read,

Not for applause—but to be freed.

Let Torah be Your clothing near,

And let me find the Wearer here.

Make me “poor” till I truly crave,

Till every prayer becomes a wave.

Penny by penny, join my cries,

Till faith is born behind my eyes.

And when You give—don’t let me steal

Back into self, back into deal.

Make me a guest who loves the Host,

Receiving You—forgetting “most.”

Break me clean, then build me true,

Not “what I get,” but what I do:

To serve the Ten, to serve the Name—

Till Torah, Israel, and You are the same.

The Bessel Between Us

“The Vessel Between Us”

We must be concerned with the greatness of the goal,

For alone I remain only a point, not a soul.

A heart of stone beats silent inside of me,

A desire untouched, not meant to be free.

That stone is not mine to correct or refine,

No prayer or effort can soften that line.

It stands as a boundary, sealed and tight,

A place where the creature cannot invite Light.

But six hundred thousand desires stand near,

Not buried in me, but living in the friends here.

Their lacks are scattered, their needs are not small,

And my work is to gather them—one and all.

I do not fix myself, I do not repair,

I connect to the friends and carry their care.

I clothe their deficiencies deep in my chest,

As though their desire were my own test.

This inclusion, this bond, this pull to unite,

Is the vessel formed only through mutual sight.

Not in my feeling, not in my mind,

But in the space where our hearts intertwine.

“Love your friend as yourself” is not advice,

Not ethics or warmth or human device.

It is the great rule, exact and precise,

Because only there is the sacrifice.

For the Creator is not found in me,

Nor revealed where one stands separately.

He dwells in the bond we build and sustain,

Between us alone does His presence remain.

The Freedom

 

The Freedom

(after Baal HaSulam)

I thought I chose the road I stand upon

Thought I woke myself each rising dawn

Thought my thoughts were mine to steer and bend

Thought freedom lived where wants defend

But look closer—nothing here was picked

Not the hunger, not the way I’m ticked

Not the fears that jump before my mind

Not the urges dragging me behind

I did not choose my parents or my blood

The tongue I speak, the land, the mud

I did not choose my traits or tone

Nor what I love or hate alone

Even rebellion wears a borrowed face

Even my fight came pre-installed in place

I rage, I swear, I break the mold

But every move was bought and sold

The books I read, the songs I hear

The values I hold close and dear

The crowd I trust, the rules I bend

They write my steps before they end

I chase desire dressed as choice

But hear closely—that’s not my voice

It’s habit dressed in clever skin

Old commands whispering within

I want to choose—I swear I do

But every “I” comes already through

A chain of cause, a scripted flow

Where even “new” was long ago

So where is freedom, if any breath

Is born already facing death?

If thought and heart arrive pre-set

Where is the lever not owned yet?

Here comes the cut—no turning back

No comfort, no escape hatch crack

There is no freedom in desire

No liberty in inner fire

The will obeys what shaped its form

Like iron bends to heat and storm

Nature rules with silent law

No guilt, no praise, no right or flaw

But one thin crack still cuts the wall

So narrow most don’t see it at all

Not in the act, not in the thought

But where the thought is slowly taught

Not what I want—

but where I stand

Not inner strength—

but who holds my hand

I cannot choose the seeds I bear

But I can choose the field they share

I cannot rule what grows in me

But I can place what feeds the tree

The books.

The friends.

The daily sound.

The voices lifting goal and ground.

Here lives freedom—sharp and stern

No thrill, no pride, no sudden turn

Only choosing—day by day—

Who shapes my heart along the way

And this is fear, not victory

Because neglect returns the chain to me

One lazy day, one softened choice

And nature reclaims its voice

Freedom is not release or flight

It’s guarding place through toil and fight

Responsibility without applause

Submission to immutable laws

So do not praise me, do not cheer

I did not conquer anything here

I only stood where I could change

And begged the process to rearrange

Creator—hold us inside the environment that chooses You for us, when we cannot.

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Colllect This

 

COLLECT THIS

It comes at me dirty, no knock, no grace

A thought with a shiv and a spit in my face

An emotion that drags me back through the mud

A vision soaked heavy in old shame and blood

Didn’t ask for it. Didn’t vote it in.

Still there it is—grinning—wearing my skin

The ego says, “Good, this is yours to chew”

Like I haven’t watched that lie split me in two

It says “Understand it, fix it, explain it clean”

As if control was ever part of this scene

As if I didn’t learn the hard damn way

That what I grab tight is what rots and stays

Because every time I crown it as “me”

The Light cuts out like electricity

Every time I claim it, name it, defend

I turn a message into a dead-end

So yeah—I’ve fought it, swallowed it whole

Called it “growth” while it ate my soul

Pretended strength meant white-knuckle resolve

Like this mess was something I could solve

But I’m done lying to myself today

I don’t steer the waves—I just get in the way

These thoughts ain’t wisdom, these feelings ain’t truth

They’re raw materials—untamed, uncouth

So I stop mid-impact, stripped of my pride

Not holy. Not steady. Just empty inside

And from that cracked place—no script, no tone—

I aim where I know I don’t stand alone

Because holding this solo is spiritual theft

Like hoarding a fire till there’s nothing left

I wasn’t built to contain this heat

I was built to pass it into the street

Into the space where no one’s above

Where power dissolves into stubborn love

Where ten broken throats form one clear sound

And the Creator shows up on common ground

Because alone this pressure will snap my spine

But between the friends—it refines

What kills me in private, shames me at night

Turns into fuel when we face it as one Light

The blow still lands. The weight stays real.

But it moves now—it doesn’t seal

It doesn’t rot. It doesn’t own.

It travels a channel I’ve finally known

This is the trick the ego never learns:

The moment I drop it, the system turns

The second I stop being the end of the line

Abundance pours like it lost its mind

Too much. Too fast. More than I can stand.

So I don’t hold it—I hand it back

Not cleaned. Not dressed. Not understood.

Just honest, exposed, and dangerously good

And this is the only prayer that survives the fire—

No poetry. No halo. No higher desire.

Just the last true sentence I know how to say:

Dear Creator, collect them and correct them

for our use in bestowal

through the connection in the Ten.

When It Comes At Me

 WHEN IT COMES AT ME

When it comes at me uninvited, raw and loud

A thought like a blade, an emotion too proud

A vision that shakes me, I didn’t request

It hits where I’m weakest, right dead in the chest

My ego jumps first, says “This one is mine”

To chew it, to use it, to cross every line

To fix it, to own it, to wear it like skin

Like I ever controlled what was placed deep within

But I’ve been here before, I know this disguise

Every surprise is the same old lie

If I grab it, I lose it, if I crown it as “me”

I seal off the Light and I choke the degree

So I stop.

Not brave.

Not calm.

Not clean.

Just tired of drowning in what I can’t mean

And from the heart—no speech, no show—

I turn where I’ve learned is the only place to go

Dear Creator, collect what I cannot hold

These thoughts, these fires, this hunger, this cold

I didn’t ask for them, but I won’t pretend

I know how they work or how they should end

Correct them—not soften, not hide, not erase

Turn poison to medicine, pressure to space

Not for my comfort, not so I feel “right”

But for use in bestowal, aligned with Your Light

And don’t give them back to me broken and alone

I’m not built to carry this weight on my own

Pass them between us, where vessels are true

Where Ten hearts can do what one never could do

Through the connection, not talent or might

Between the friends—that’s where You ignite

Not in my wisdom, not in my plea

But in the space where there is no “me”

And something strange happens—quiet, precise

The storm doesn’t vanish, it just loses its price

The heat is still there, but it’s no longer mine

It moves like a current, not a fault in my spine

What crushed me alone now strengthens the bond

What felt like an enemy turns quietly fond

The blow becomes fuel, the chaos a thread

Woven between us, not stuck in my head

This is the end—and the start—of the fight

Not to feel holy, not to be right

But to never again steal what was sent

To be lifted between us, not owned or spent

So when it comes at me—thought, vision, or scream—

I don’t ask why, and I don’t ask what it means

I hand it upstream, where correction is done

Through the Ten, through the bond, through the work—

as One.

Correcting Our Nature

 We are born in a state that knows no Light,

No sense of bestowal, no inner sight.

A will to receive that rules every move,

Cut off from the truth we were made to prove.

There is nothing worse than this starting place,

A life with no feel of the Creator’s face.

We chase our pleasures, defend our pride,

While the force of bestowal stays locked outside.

Yet this is the work, not to run or escape,

But to take our nature and let it reshape.

Not to kill desire or break what we are,

But aim the same hunger toward a higher star.

Step after step, through failure and cry,

Through prayers that rise when all answers die,

Wisdom is earned, not read or told,

It’s learned in the fire where the ego is cold.

And when bestowal becomes our aim,

When giving outweighs the hunger for gain,

The path completes what words can’t explain—

We become as one with the Source of the flame.

When The Road Breaks Open

 When the Road Breaks Open

You pack your bag with a shaking hand

A congress calling, a promise you planned

The heart says go, the mind says wait

Bills on the table, time running late

You swear this time you’ll make it through

You told the friends, you said you’d be true

But the road don’t care what vows you said

It throws you steel that leaves you dead

A car on the lift, the clock runs fast

“No parts till Monday,” they say at last

Two hundred dollars, that’s all you’ve got

And the retreat’s fading right on the spot

Now comes the moment no one sees

Not faith in words, but bent-knee pleas

You sit alone, your chest caved in

Not asking to win — just not to give in

Your heart don’t pray with fancy lines

It cracks and leaks between the whys

“I promised them… I wanted You…

I don’t know how, but help me through”

No deals, no strength, no clever play

Just truth that burns the self away

And right there where the hope feels dead

Something moves you never led

Three minutes pass — no more than that

The shop door opens, a turn of fact

The owner walks like it’s no big thing

Says, “Found the part… won’t charge a thing”

No labor bill, no reason why

Just mercy dropped from the open sky

An hour later you’re tearing in

Like a soul reborn, scraped thin

You don’t arrive clean, proud, or whole

You come in fire, you come in soul

Not because you were strong or smart

But because you asked with a broken heart

This is the road to every congress gate

Not perfect plans, but crushed-down weight

Obstacles stacked till you finally see

You don’t come by will — you come by plea

The trick ain’t courage, grit, or might

It’s turning to Him in the darkest night

When nothing works and you can’t pretend

That’s when the help is sent

So if the road starts falling apart

If life leans hard and splits your heart

Don’t curse the blocks, don’t turn away

That’s the door — that’s when you pray

Because the Creator waits right there

Where the heart breaks clean of self-care

And every congress begins that way

With nothing left — and a cry that stays