Reward That Hurts Like Truth

Reward That Hurts Like Truth

I said I want no reward, I swear it’s true,

Yet every nerve asks, “What’s in this for you?”

The will to receive hides behind holy clothes,

Quotes the sages while tightening its nose.

I worked and I worked and expected a sign,

A taste of the Light, some proof I was fine,

But all I received was a mirror so clear,

It showed me the beast I carried for years.

The ego got clever, it learned how to pray,

How to give lip service while steering my way,

It said, “You’re righteous, look—everyone sees,”

While feeding itself on respect and ease.

The whole world applauds, says, “You serve God well,”

But inside I’m rented, still serving myself,

A servant of comfort, of honor and gain,

Calling it Torah, disguising the chain.

Then came the fall—no warning, no sound,

From heaven to trash heap, face in the ground,

No sense of descent, no shame, no fear,

Just pleasure dressed up as “life” right here.

Dead don’t feel dead, they don’t ask for air,

They don’t miss the King, they don’t know He’s there,

I lived like a cat in the garbage of mind,

Chasing warm scraps, completely blind.

And then—without reason, without a demand,

A breath from Above pulled me out by the hand,

Not with reward, not with sweetness or glow,

But with one sharp gift: the truth of my low.

Now I see pain was never the crime,

It was payment in advance for a higher time,

The hurt was a ladder I couldn’t detect,

Each rung carved from self-love I learned to reject.

The Creator is gentle, unbearably kind,

He lets me fall only to open my eyes,

He kills me just enough so I’ll want to live,

Then resurrects me with nothing to give.

No fruit grows fast, no soul comes cheap,

First comes the drought, the hunger, the sleep,

But even the barren, the wasted, the dry,

Were planted to bloom by His careful design.

So let the ego scream, bargain, and plead,

Let it curse the pain and demand its fee,

I’ll stand with the help I never could earn,

And bless every fall I was given to learn.

Because reward isn’t pleasure, applause, or light,

It’s seeing the truth and still choosing the fight,

And serving Him starts the moment I know—

I can’t serve Him at all on my own.

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