THE SHIELD I NEVER NEEDED

I searched for a field to keep the dark away,

A wall against the thoughts that haunted every day.

I called upon the powers I believed I knew,

But nothing I could build could make my heart brand new.

I thought that strength meant keeping others out,

A fortress built against my fear and doubt.

But every wall I raised to keep me free,

Became another prison built by me.

I watched the world divide in fear and hate,

While every man stood guarding his own gate.

We cursed the darkness, blamed the world outside,

And never saw the ego ruling us inside.

I tried to silence every selfish thought,

To win a war my own two hands had fought.

But every time I pushed my darkness down,

It rose again and stole my hard-won crown.

Then came the friends, with troubles of their own,

Ten wounded hearts, each feeling all alone.

No mighty men, no angels dressed in white,

Just stubborn souls who wouldn't quit the fight.

One friend complained, another turned away,

One had no strength to even rise and pray.

And there I stood, demanding they should change,

While my own heart grew bitter, cold, and strange.

I begged the Creator, "Take this pain from me!

Remove this ego, set my spirit free!"

But in the work I slowly came to see,

The heart that needed changing first was me.

Not by destroying what I cannot bear,

But raising every broken cry in prayer.

Not asking that the darkness disappear,

But strength to love the friends when it draws near.

For every fault I see within the Ten,

Becomes a chance to choose my friends again.

And every time my pride demands its throne,

I bow my head and know I'm not alone.

No field of force could ever make us one,

No hidden power, no artificial sun.

The shield I sought was never mine to wield,

But love between the friends became my shield.

And should the world come trembling to our door,

With all the fear and hatred it has worn,

We'll open up our hearts instead of hide,

And make a place for every soul inside.

One man, one heart, no stranger left behind,

No chains upon another person's mind.

Not power over others from above,

But freedom born through mutual care and love.

So let the ego rage and darkness call,

We'll build no lonely fortress, build no wall.

We'll ask the Creator, through the tears we shed,

To raise the love between us up instead.

And when the last illusion falls away,

And ten hearts choose each other every day,

The shield I never needed will be gone—

And in its place, one heart will carry on.

 

The Gift Hidden in the Complaint

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 38 (1985)

My body came with questions today,

And tried to turn my heart away.

“Why give yourself? What will you gain?

Why choose a road of work and pain?”

I heard its words, I felt their weight,

The doubts that stood before the gate.

But something gentle stirred inside,

A truth no argument could hide.

“My faithful body, I hear your plea,

You only seek what's good for me.

But there's a joy you cannot see,

A love that grows when I give freely.”

You ask me why I should bestow,

When there's no profit I can show.

And in that question I can find

A chance to rise above my mind.

For faith is not the lack of sight,

Nor closing eyes against the night.

It's choosing love when reasons cease,

And finding in surrender peace.

Each complaint reveals another place

Where self-love hides its familiar face.

And every place that comes to light

Becomes a vessel to make right.

And if I fall, and cannot rise,

And tears of failure fill my eyes,

I need not hide the truth I see,

For this reveals what's wrong in me.

I cannot change the heart alone,

Or turn to love by strength my own.

But from the depths, a prayer can start,

And reach the One who heals the heart.

“Creator, take this will of mine,

And teach it how with Yours to align.

Let every wish to take and own

Become a gift of love that's shown.”

And if I fall so far below,

I even lose the wish to grow,

May You awaken me once more,

To seek the love I sought before.

For nothing on this path is lost,

No honest tear, no hidden cost.

Even the hours I spent asleep

Can teach my heart what love must keep.

And now I see the body's cry

Was not a reason to deny,

But offered me a place to choose

The love that self-concern would lose.

The very doubts that made me grieve

Become the ground on which I cleave.

What once appeared to block my way

Becomes a reason now to pray.

So let the questions come again,

Through weary days and nights of pain.

I'll greet them not with bitter fear,

But with the knowledge You are near.

For correction isn't mine to claim,

Nor is perfection life's true aim.

My work is choosing, day by day,

To ask for strength to give away.

And through the friends, my heart will learn

To give the love I once would earn.

Their joy becomes my own desire,

Their needs the fuel of heaven's fire.

Until the will that lived to take

Begins to give for others' sake.

And every complaint that once arose

Becomes a door through which love flows.

For love does not demand I never fall,

But teaches me to turn to You through all.

And every time I choose to give again,

The heart finds purpose even in its pain.

The greatest gift was not that doubt would cease,

But that through doubt I learned the path to peace.

And what the body called a sacrifice,

The soul discovered was the gift of life.

"The Courtroom in My Heart" Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 38 (1989)

 

"The Courtroom in My Heart"

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 38 (1989)

I woke this morning, swore I'd change,

By breakfast, everything was strange.

I cursed the traffic, judged a friend,

And called it justice in the end.

I told my wife I'd give her time,

Then watched the clock like it was mine.

She needed love, I gave advice,

And made her pay my selfish price.

A friend reached out, his heart was sore,

I saw his name and shut the door.

I said, "I'm tired, I've done my share,"

Then told myself how much I care.

I gave a dollar to a man,

Then hoped somebody saw my hand.

I called it kindness, pure and bright,

But fed my pride another bite.

I sat among my Ten that night,

And spoke of love with all my might.

But when a friend opposed my view,

My loving heart split clean in two.

I smiled outside, inside I burned,

My wounded ego took its turn.

I wanted unity, that's true,

Provided they agreed with me too.

And there he sat, that judge within,

While two old voices fought to win.

One cried, "The Creator owns it all!"

The other screamed, "Don't let me fall!"

The good said, "Give, and ask no pay."

The evil said, "Not today."

The good said, "Bow before your friend."

The evil said, "Then you'll be nothing in the end!"

And there I stood, my sentence read,

With all my wisdom in my head.

I knew the truth, I knew the way,

But couldn't make myself obey.

For knowing truth is not the deed,

When every thought is built on greed.

I dressed my ego up in light,

And called my selfish hunger right.

Oh, what a judge I chose to be,

Who ruled that all should serve poor me!

I built an altar to my pride,

Then asked why Heaven seemed to hide.

I prayed for love, but wanted praise,

I prayed for truth, but kept my ways.

I begged the Creator, "Set me free!"

Then fought to keep the chains on me.

But now the verdict has been made,

And all my clever lies are laid.

This body's not a throne for me,

It's where the Creator's love should be.

Yet still my nature won't comply,

It fights the truth and asks me why.

So send Your officers, I pray,

Give me the strength to act today.

To hear the friend I cannot bear,

To give when no one knows I'm there.

To hold my tongue when pride would shout,

To let another's greatness out.

And when I fall, as fall I will,

Don't let my heart surrender still.

Let every failure make me see,

How desperately I need Thee.

For whole truth isn't what I know,

It's whose delight I seek below.

Not what I give, nor what I do,

But whether all is done for You.

And if tomorrow finds me torn,

Between the beast and soul reborn,

I'll bring my broken heart once more,

And place it trembling at Your door.

For love is not the words I say,

It's whom I serve along the way.

And every gate I walk within,

Is where the battle must begin.

"Too Small in My Eyes"

 "Too Small in My Eyes"

Inspired by Rabash — Concerning Hesed

I woke this morning, reached for my phone,

Fed every distraction before I left home.

The Creator was waiting, my heart was asleep,

I traded eternity for garbage I'd keep.

A friend needed kindness; I told him, "Not now,"

Then prayed for connection and wondered just how.

I begged for His greatness, then guarded my pride,

And left the poor fellow to suffer outside.

I sat with my Ten, heard the words about love,

Spoke beautifully of the Creator above.

But one friend opposed me, and what did I do?

I sharpened my ego and drove the knife through.

I cried about money, the bills overdue,

The things I was missing, the things I can't do.

Yet when someone needed a shoulder to lean,

I counted my troubles and kept my hands clean.

I said that I trusted the One up above,

But measured His greatness by what I could love.

When life gave me pleasure, I praised Him all day,

When trouble came knocking, my faith slipped away.

And here's the damn truth that I hate to confess,

I want all His goodness, but won't give Him less

Than a thousand conditions, all written by me,

Then wonder why heaven is hidden from me.

The problem's not heaven, the problem's my sight,

I make Him so small that my ego seems right.

I crown every craving and bow to each need,

Then call myself faithful while serving my greed.

But mercy is waiting where judgment has stood,

Not saying I'm righteous, not saying I'm good.

It's giving a friend what my ego would save,

It's loving another while digging my grave.

Not death of the body, but death of the throne,

Where I sat as a king, serving only my own.

And there in the wreckage, with nothing to prove,

A place for the Shechina begins to move.

So Creator, don't flatter the lies that I wear,

Expose every selfish intention in prayer.

Make Your greatness so real that my pride falls apart,

And give me the strength to put friends in my heart.

For I don't need heaven to bend to my will,

I need this damn ego to finally be still.

And when I can give without asking what's mine,

Perhaps in that mercy Your greatness will shine.

THE MAN WHO HAD TO DISAPPEAR

Inspired by RABASH — The Work of the Ten

I came with a heart that was battered and torn,

Dragging an ego I'd carried since born.

I thought I was righteous, I thought I could see,

Till nine other souls showed the monster in me.

I spoke about love with a mouth full of pride,

While judging the friends who were standing beside.

I prayed for the Creator to answer my call,

While building my ego a ten-foot-high wall.

I wanted the Light, but refused to bend low,

I wanted His love, but had none left to show.

I searched through the books for a heavenly sign,

While stepping on hearts that were standing by mine.

Then came the descent, and it stripped me down bare,

No strength in my body, no answer to prayer.

I screamed at the heavens, "What more can I give?"

He showed me nine brothers I hadn't let live.

One came with his anger, another with fear,

One carried a sorrow too heavy to hear.

I wanted to fix them, to tell them my way,

But love simply asked me to listen that day.

So I swallowed my pride till it burned like a coal,

And made room for their pain in the depths of my soul.

Their tears became mine, and their hunger my own,

And suddenly none of us stood there alone.

I learned that annulment was not being weak,

But holding my tongue when my ego would speak.

That faith above reason meant choosing to stay,

When everything in me was screaming, "Walk away!"

I learned that the guarantee wasn't a word,

But lifting the friend whose prayer went unheard.

And joy wasn't smiling while hiding the pain,

But thanking the Creator for bringing the rain.

I stopped asking heaven to fill up my plate,

And prayed for my brothers outside of the gate.

"Give them the strength that I cannot provide,

And bury the hatred I'm holding inside."

No longer ten strangers, each guarding his throne,

But ten broken hearts with a longing for One.

And there in the cracks where our selfishness died,

The Light found a vessel with room deep inside.

I came to the Ten thinking I would be seen,

But learned what the words "love of others" could mean.

The man who demanded that heaven appear,

Had to lose his own crown to discover Him here.

So let my name vanish, my arguments cease,

Let my brothers find strength where I once sought my peace.

For I didn't disappear when I gave them my heart,

I became part of the One I was seeking from the start.

THE BRIDE WHO DANCED IN THE DIRT

I woke this morning, dead inside,

With nowhere left for me to hide.

I searched my heart, but nothing stirred,

Not one damn prayer, not one damn word.

I sat among the friends and smiled,

While deep inside I screamed and cried.

They spoke of love, of faith, of light,

While I was drowning in the night.

I paid my bills with borrowed grace,

And wore defeat upon my face.

I begged for something I could feel,

Some proof that all of this was real.

I cursed the darkness, cursed the pain,

Then watched my ego rise again.

It wanted comfort, wanted more,

While faith lay bleeding on the floor.

And there I stood, the broken bride,

With nothing beautiful inside.

No shining dress, no wedding song,

Just one more night that lasted long.

But Rabash said, "Now dance, my friend,

Your falling isn't where you end."

Not when the heavens open wide,

But when there's nowhere left to hide.

So I began with trembling feet,

And dragged my heart across the street.

No joy to feel, no light to see,

Just one small choice: It's not for me.

I couldn't pray, I couldn't stand,

I had no strength to raise my hand.

"Creator, hear this broken cry,

I cannot pray, however hard I try."

"Don't take the darkness all away,

Just give me strength to choose Your way.

Don't make my bitter heart feel sweet,

Just let me lay it at their feet."

And then I saw what love could be,

Not what the world could give to me.

But how to lift another's soul,

While I myself was far from whole.

The bride still dances through the night,

With broken shoes and no delight.

But every fall becomes a plea,

"Please build a heart that lives for Thee."

And when the groom prepares His feast,

The hungry ego must decrease.

For every blessing that I take,

Let it be joy for His sake.

I don't need crowns, I don't need fame,

I don't need heaven to know my name.

Just let my friends stand tall and free,

And let their joy be enough for me.

So let me fall, and let me rise,

Until the truth replaces lies.

For even buried in the sod,

A broken heart can dance toward God.

 

THE DARKNESS KNOWS MY NAME

Yesterday I swore my heart was clean,

Today I'm the ugliest thing I've seen.

I kissed the heavens, I praised His name,

Then woke up drowning in selfish shame.

I loved my brothers, I called them mine,

Today their voices crawl down my spine.

I said I'd carry them through the night,

Now I can't even stand their light.

I sat in the lesson, my heart was stone,

A thousand friends, yet I felt alone.

Their words were beautiful, filled with grace,

But all I could see was my own damned face.

I begged the Creator, "Where have You gone?

I've given You years, why drag me on?

I've broken my pride, I've swallowed my tears,

Why am I still this selfish after all these years?"

And somewhere beneath that terrible cry,

A truth broke through what I thought was I.

The darkness wasn't proof I'd lost my way,

It showed me what I'd hidden yesterday.

He hadn't abandoned me in the night,

He'd shown me the darkness beneath my light.

Not so I'd suffer, not so I'd fall,

But so I'd discover I owned nothing at all.

I cannot love with this heart of stone,

I cannot reach You on strength alone.

I cannot bestow by pretending I'm free,

While every damn thought keeps returning to me.

So strip me of pride, let my excuses die,

But don't let me leave when my brothers cry.

Let me become the ground beneath their feet,

And find You in the hearts where our longings meet.

And if tomorrow I fall once more,

With bleeding hands I'll reach for the door.

Not because darkness is where I belong,

But because together we rise from what's wrong.

I thought advancement would feel like flight,

Like endless love and heavenly light.

But sometimes the greatest step I take,

Is seeing the selfish heart I must break.

So let the darkness reveal my shame,

I'll bring it to You and call Your name.

For every descent that teaches me to give,

Becomes another reason for love to live.