"I Was Never the One"
Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 14 (1985), "I Am the First and I Am the Last"
I built my life with these two hands,
I made my rules, I took my stands.
I called it freedom, called it pride,
While something rotten grew inside.
I helped a friend, then kept the score,
And wondered why he gave no more.
I said I loved, but here's the shame,
I wanted love to praise my name.
I gave a dollar, wanted ten,
I prayed for Heaven's praise again.
I bowed my head for all to see,
But every prayer was still for me.
I sat with friends and spoke of love,
Of sacred light and worlds above.
But when a friend opposed my view,
My love turned cold before he knew.
I studied truth, I learned the words,
Repeated everything I'd heard.
But underneath that holy sound,
My selfish king still wore his crown.
And then one day, I couldn't rest,
A burning question filled my chest.
Why does this life, with all I've gained,
Still leave my heart so damn restrained?
I watched the others carry on,
Content with everything they'd done.
Why couldn't I just do the same?
Why did my heart burn up with shame?
I thought this hunger was my own,
A seed of wisdom I had grown.
But from the darkness came the call:
"I was the First behind it all."
"I gave the ache you couldn't hide,
The emptiness you felt inside.
I broke the peace you thought was true,
Because I had more planned for you."
I fought my nature tooth and nail,
I rose, I fell, I watched me fail.
I begged to give, yet wanted pay,
And cursed myself along the way.
I thought the pain meant I was lost,
That every failure had a cost.
But every wound that made me see,
Was one more chain released from me.
He didn't strike to watch me bleed,
He showed the sickness and the need.
The pain was not His final word,
It was the cry that must be heard.
I wanted love without the fight,
I wanted day without the night.
I wanted Him to fill my soul,
While I refused to lose control.
And when at last I learned to bend,
To put myself beneath a friend,
I found the thing I couldn't see:
The greatest prison had been me.
Not flesh, not blood, not daily bread,
But that damned throne inside my head.
The voice that whispered, "Take your share,"
And left no room for others there.
So now I work with all my might,
I beg for strength to choose what's right.
I do the work that's mine to do,
But know the power comes from You.
And if one day this heart can give,
And for another's joy can live,
I'll never claim I won the fight,
Or brought myself into the light.
For You were First when I was blind,
You placed the hunger in my mind.
And You are Last when love is found,
When all my selfish walls come down.
The vessel formed through bitter tears,
Through broken pride and wasted years.
And what I thought was punishment,
Was love in Heaven's clothing sent.
So break my pride, but not my heart,
And teach me how to do my part.
Not for a crown, not for a throne,
But so Your love through us is known.
I was not First. I won't be Last.
Your love was there through all my past.
And when this heart learns how to give,
I'll know at last why I was made to live.
