I Was Never The One

 

"I Was Never the One"

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 14 (1985), "I Am the First and I Am the Last"

I built my life with these two hands,

I made my rules, I took my stands.

I called it freedom, called it pride,

While something rotten grew inside.

I helped a friend, then kept the score,

And wondered why he gave no more.

I said I loved, but here's the shame,

I wanted love to praise my name.

I gave a dollar, wanted ten,

I prayed for Heaven's praise again.

I bowed my head for all to see,

But every prayer was still for me.

I sat with friends and spoke of love,

Of sacred light and worlds above.

But when a friend opposed my view,

My love turned cold before he knew.

I studied truth, I learned the words,

Repeated everything I'd heard.

But underneath that holy sound,

My selfish king still wore his crown.

And then one day, I couldn't rest,

A burning question filled my chest.

Why does this life, with all I've gained,

Still leave my heart so damn restrained?

I watched the others carry on,

Content with everything they'd done.

Why couldn't I just do the same?

Why did my heart burn up with shame?

I thought this hunger was my own,

A seed of wisdom I had grown.

But from the darkness came the call:

"I was the First behind it all."

"I gave the ache you couldn't hide,

The emptiness you felt inside.

I broke the peace you thought was true,

Because I had more planned for you."

I fought my nature tooth and nail,

I rose, I fell, I watched me fail.

I begged to give, yet wanted pay,

And cursed myself along the way.

I thought the pain meant I was lost,

That every failure had a cost.

But every wound that made me see,

Was one more chain released from me.

He didn't strike to watch me bleed,

He showed the sickness and the need.

The pain was not His final word,

It was the cry that must be heard.

I wanted love without the fight,

I wanted day without the night.

I wanted Him to fill my soul,

While I refused to lose control.

And when at last I learned to bend,

To put myself beneath a friend,

I found the thing I couldn't see:

The greatest prison had been me.

Not flesh, not blood, not daily bread,

But that damned throne inside my head.

The voice that whispered, "Take your share,"

And left no room for others there.

So now I work with all my might,

I beg for strength to choose what's right.

I do the work that's mine to do,

But know the power comes from You.

And if one day this heart can give,

And for another's joy can live,

I'll never claim I won the fight,

Or brought myself into the light.

For You were First when I was blind,

You placed the hunger in my mind.

And You are Last when love is found,

When all my selfish walls come down.

The vessel formed through bitter tears,

Through broken pride and wasted years.

And what I thought was punishment,

Was love in Heaven's clothing sent.

So break my pride, but not my heart,

And teach me how to do my part.

Not for a crown, not for a throne,

But so Your love through us is known.

I was not First. I won't be Last.

Your love was there through all my past.

And when this heart learns how to give,

I'll know at last why I was made to live.

The Only Thing Tha's Mine

 

The Only Thing That's Mine

I came into this world with empty hands,

A hungry heart and selfish plans.

I thought that everything I earned was mine,

The fruit, the vineyard, and the vine.

I chased the things that caught my eye,

And never stopped to question why.

A bigger house, a brighter name,

Yet something missing stayed the same.

I thought my strength was mine to keep,

The victories won, the tears I'd weep.

But every breath and every day,

Was something given along the way.

The will to take was placed in me,

So I could taste what love could be.

The Creator made that hungry heart,

But gave me work to do my part.

He didn't ask me not to feel,

Or call my hunger something unreal.

He asked me why I wished to gain,

And could I love through joy and pain?

When someone needs a helping hand,

And I have troubles of my own to stand,

Can I put my worries to the side,

And make some room for them inside?

When friends receive the praise I sought,

And jealousy consumes my thought,

Can I rejoice that they have grown,

And love their happiness as my own?

When life seems cruel and nothing's clear,

And all my answers disappear,

Can I hold faith above my sight,

And trust His goodness through the night?

The mind must study, search, and learn,

And toward the Torah's wisdom turn.

But where His guidance seems concealed,

Through faith a deeper truth's revealed.

For I cannot command the Light,

Or make the darkness turn to bright.

I only bring my need and prayer,

And build a place for love to share.

And if I cannot give today,

I need not turn my heart away.

That very lack, that aching plea,

Becomes the vessel He can see.

The vessel grows through countless deeds,

Through helping friends and meeting needs.

Not all at once, not overnight,

But slowly turning toward the Light.

And Korah's warning speaks to me,

Of chasing things that cannot be

The treasure that my soul can own,

While losing love that could have grown.

So take the glory, take the gold,

Take everything these hands can hold.

There's only one thing I can claim:

The love I build in Your great name.

And when my heart can truly give,

A different life begins to live.

For all the Light belongs to You,

But I can choose what love will do.

And when our hearts unite as one,

The work of bestowal has begun.

Not mine, not yours, but ours to share,

One common vessel built through prayer.

So let me give, and let me grow,

And love the friends through all I know.

For what is mine when all is done?

A heart that gives to everyone.

Don't Plant That Tree Beside My Altar

"Don't Plant That Tree Beside My Altar"

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 43 (1990), “What Is, ‘You Shall Not Plant for Yourself an Asherah by the Altar,’ in the Work?”

I built an altar in my heart,

And swore that I would do my part.

I raised my hands and bowed my head,

But fed my ego while I prayed.

I spoke of love, I spoke of light,

I told the friends to do what's right.

But when they challenged what I'd said,

A thousand angry thoughts filled my head.

I claimed the truth was all I sought,

Yet sold my soul for one sweet thought.

And every time my pride agreed,

I called it truth instead of greed.

I planted something near that place,

A pretty tree with a smiling face.

Its roots were selfish, its branches pride,

And all my good intentions died inside.

Don't plant that tree beside my altar,

Don't let my selfish judgment stand.

Don't let me speak about Your greatness,

While stealing glory with my hand.

For every gate within my soul,

A judge must stand and take control.

But if that judge accepts a bribe,

The truth gets buried deep inside.

The bribe's not gold, the bribe's not pay,

It's getting what I want today.

It's being right, it's being praised,

It's having my importance raised.

It's helping friends so they admire,

It's feeding my own hidden fire.

It's saying, "Creator, all for You,"

While asking, "What's in this for me to do?"

And when the sweetness disappears,

My holy work dissolves in tears.

I say, "Why bother? What's the gain?"

And find my faith was built on gain.

Then comes the descent, the bitter fall,

When I discover I gave nothing at all.

The judge sees truth, the verdict's clear,

But still my body will not hear.

The officer cannot enforce the law,

And now I see my deepest flaw.

I know what's right, yet cannot give,

For self alone I seem to live.

And there, beneath my broken pride,

Where all my clever excuses died,

A prayer is born I couldn't fake,

A cry no selfish heart could make.

"Creator, I cannot change this heart,

I've tried a thousand times to start.

Give me the strength I cannot find,

To leave this selfish rule behind."

And now I see those enemies within,

The stubborn pride, the greed, the sin.

They showed me what I couldn't see,

That I cannot correct myself through me.

For mercy must precede the light,

And bestowal must become my sight.

Not what I feel, not what I earn,

But love for others I must learn.

And when a friend stands in my way,

Perhaps that's where I start today.

To lower my head and let him rise,

And see his greatness through my eyes.

To walk above what reason knows,

To give when no sweet feeling flows.

To serve when every pleasure's gone,

And ask for strength to carry on.

So cut that tree down, root and limb,

And let my selfish kingdom dim.

Don't let my ego take Your throne,

Or call Your sacred altar my own.

For I would rather stand here broken,

With one true prayer I cannot hide,

Than stand before You dressed in holiness,

With an Asherah growing inside.

And if my heart must break again,

Then let it break for all my friends.

Until no selfish roots remain,

And love alone within us reigns.

Don't Plant That Tree Beside My Altar

 

"Don't Plant That Tree Beside My Altar"

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 43 (1990), “What Is, ‘You Shall Not Plant for Yourself an Asherah by the Altar,’ in the Work?”

I built an altar in my heart,

And swore that I would do my part.

I raised my hands and bowed my head,

But fed my ego while I prayed.

I spoke of love, I spoke of light,

I told the friends to do what's right.

But when they challenged what I'd said,

A thousand angry thoughts filled my head.

I claimed the truth was all I sought,

Yet sold my soul for one sweet thought.

And every time my pride agreed,

I called it truth instead of greed.

I planted something near that place,

A pretty tree with a smiling face.

Its roots were selfish, its branches pride,

And all my good intentions died inside.

Don't plant that tree beside my altar,

Don't let my selfish judgment stand.

Don't let me speak about Your greatness,

While stealing glory with my hand.

For every gate within my soul,

A judge must stand and take control.

But if that judge accepts a bribe,

The truth gets buried deep inside.

The bribe's not gold, the bribe's not pay,

It's getting what I want today.

It's being right, it's being praised,

It's having my importance raised.

It's helping friends so they admire,

It's feeding my own hidden fire.

It's saying, "Creator, all for You,"

While asking, "What's in this for me to do?"

And when the sweetness disappears,

My holy work dissolves in tears.

I say, "Why bother? What's the gain?"

And find my faith was built on gain.

Then comes the descent, the bitter fall,

When I discover I gave nothing at all.

The judge sees truth, the verdict's clear,

But still my body will not hear.

The officer cannot enforce the law,

And now I see my deepest flaw.

I know what's right, yet cannot give,

For self alone I seem to live.

And there, beneath my broken pride,

Where all my clever excuses died,

A prayer is born I couldn't fake,

A cry no selfish heart could make.

"Creator, I cannot change this heart,

I've tried a thousand times to start.

Give me the strength I cannot find,

To leave this selfish rule behind."

And now I see those enemies within,

The stubborn pride, the greed, the sin.

They showed me what I couldn't see,

That I cannot correct myself through me.

For mercy must precede the light,

And bestowal must become my sight.

Not what I feel, not what I earn,

But love for others I must learn.

And when a friend stands in my way,

Perhaps that's where I start today.

To lower my head and let him rise,

And see his greatness through my eyes.

To walk above what reason knows,

To give when no sweet feeling flows.

To serve when every pleasure's gone,

And ask for strength to carry on.

So cut that tree down, root and limb,

And let my selfish kingdom dim.

Don't let my ego take Your throne,

Or call Your sacred altar my own.

For I would rather stand here broken,

With one true prayer I cannot hide,

Than stand before You dressed in holiness,

With an Asherah growing inside.

And if my heart must break again,

Then let it break for all my friends.

Until no selfish roots remain,

And love alone within us reigns.

 

THE DEVIL WEARS A RIGHTEOUS FACE

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 4 (1987)

I woke before the morning light,

Prepared to stand and join the fight.

But something whispered in my head,

"You're tired, old man. Go back to bed."

"You think you're working for the King?

Your selfish heart still owns everything.

You talk of love, you talk of prayer,

But all you really want is someone's care."

I heard that voice, it sounded wise,

It wore the truth as its disguise.

It spoke of justice, right and wrong,

And nearly stole my morning song.

I sat there staring at the floor,

My hand was resting on the door.

The friends were waiting, hearts awake,

While I was searching for a break.

"You're not sincere, so why pretend?

Your ego owns you to the end.

Why bother trying? Why begin?

You'll only serve yourself again."

But something deeper cried inside,

"Get off that bed! Put down your pride!

You don't need holiness to start,

Just bring the friends your broken heart."

So I got up and joined the Ten,

And found the strength to try again.

I listened, prayed, and bowed my head,

And gave the friends the love I had.

Then came that voice, all dressed in gold,

"You're quite a man, so strong and bold!

Just look at you! You passed the test!

You're not like them! You're one of the best!"

Oh, what a clever, filthy game,

Two different lies, one selfish aim.

Before the work, it calls me small,

And afterward, the king of all.

One voice says, "Quit, you're not enough!"

The other says, "You're mighty tough!"

But both are chains around my soul,

Both keep me from the higher goal.

Now here's the truth that Rabash gave,

A light to guide the willing slave:

Don't judge the words by how they sound,

But where they lead when they come around.

If all that wisdom lets me rest,

And leave the friends to face the test,

Then even dressed in holy white,

That voice is dragging me from light.

And when my ego shouts, "You've won!"

I know my work has just begun.

For every deed I proudly claim,

Still needs correction in His name.

So let me work without a crown,

And let my stubborn head bow down.

Let every fall become a prayer,

And every rise bring greater care.

I don't need praise, I don't need fame,

I only want to serve His name.

And if I cannot love today,

I'll ask for strength to find the way.

For good and evil share one chest,

And both will put my heart to test.

But I will choose, through joy and pain,

To rise and join my friends again.

And when that righteous-sounding lie

Comes dressed as truth before my eye,

I'll ask one thing before I choose:

"Will this bring love—or give excuse?"

For all the wisdom I may know

Means nothing if I will not grow.

And all my strength is nothing worth

If I can't lift a friend from earth.

So let the ego scream and shout,

It cannot tell me what love's about.

I'll take my place among the Ten,

And start the work all over again.

 

THE SHIELD I NEVER NEEDED

I searched for a field to keep the dark away,

A wall against the thoughts that haunted every day.

I called upon the powers I believed I knew,

But nothing I could build could make my heart brand new.

I thought that strength meant keeping others out,

A fortress built against my fear and doubt.

But every wall I raised to keep me free,

Became another prison built by me.

I watched the world divide in fear and hate,

While every man stood guarding his own gate.

We cursed the darkness, blamed the world outside,

And never saw the ego ruling us inside.

I tried to silence every selfish thought,

To win a war my own two hands had fought.

But every time I pushed my darkness down,

It rose again and stole my hard-won crown.

Then came the friends, with troubles of their own,

Ten wounded hearts, each feeling all alone.

No mighty men, no angels dressed in white,

Just stubborn souls who wouldn't quit the fight.

One friend complained, another turned away,

One had no strength to even rise and pray.

And there I stood, demanding they should change,

While my own heart grew bitter, cold, and strange.

I begged the Creator, "Take this pain from me!

Remove this ego, set my spirit free!"

But in the work I slowly came to see,

The heart that needed changing first was me.

Not by destroying what I cannot bear,

But raising every broken cry in prayer.

Not asking that the darkness disappear,

But strength to love the friends when it draws near.

For every fault I see within the Ten,

Becomes a chance to choose my friends again.

And every time my pride demands its throne,

I bow my head and know I'm not alone.

No field of force could ever make us one,

No hidden power, no artificial sun.

The shield I sought was never mine to wield,

But love between the friends became my shield.

And should the world come trembling to our door,

With all the fear and hatred it has worn,

We'll open up our hearts instead of hide,

And make a place for every soul inside.

One man, one heart, no stranger left behind,

No chains upon another person's mind.

Not power over others from above,

But freedom born through mutual care and love.

So let the ego rage and darkness call,

We'll build no lonely fortress, build no wall.

We'll ask the Creator, through the tears we shed,

To raise the love between us up instead.

And when the last illusion falls away,

And ten hearts choose each other every day,

The shield I never needed will be gone—

And in its place, one heart will carry on.

 

The Gift Hidden in the Complaint

Inspired by Rabash, Article No. 38 (1985)

My body came with questions today,

And tried to turn my heart away.

“Why give yourself? What will you gain?

Why choose a road of work and pain?”

I heard its words, I felt their weight,

The doubts that stood before the gate.

But something gentle stirred inside,

A truth no argument could hide.

“My faithful body, I hear your plea,

You only seek what's good for me.

But there's a joy you cannot see,

A love that grows when I give freely.”

You ask me why I should bestow,

When there's no profit I can show.

And in that question I can find

A chance to rise above my mind.

For faith is not the lack of sight,

Nor closing eyes against the night.

It's choosing love when reasons cease,

And finding in surrender peace.

Each complaint reveals another place

Where self-love hides its familiar face.

And every place that comes to light

Becomes a vessel to make right.

And if I fall, and cannot rise,

And tears of failure fill my eyes,

I need not hide the truth I see,

For this reveals what's wrong in me.

I cannot change the heart alone,

Or turn to love by strength my own.

But from the depths, a prayer can start,

And reach the One who heals the heart.

“Creator, take this will of mine,

And teach it how with Yours to align.

Let every wish to take and own

Become a gift of love that's shown.”

And if I fall so far below,

I even lose the wish to grow,

May You awaken me once more,

To seek the love I sought before.

For nothing on this path is lost,

No honest tear, no hidden cost.

Even the hours I spent asleep

Can teach my heart what love must keep.

And now I see the body's cry

Was not a reason to deny,

But offered me a place to choose

The love that self-concern would lose.

The very doubts that made me grieve

Become the ground on which I cleave.

What once appeared to block my way

Becomes a reason now to pray.

So let the questions come again,

Through weary days and nights of pain.

I'll greet them not with bitter fear,

But with the knowledge You are near.

For correction isn't mine to claim,

Nor is perfection life's true aim.

My work is choosing, day by day,

To ask for strength to give away.

And through the friends, my heart will learn

To give the love I once would earn.

Their joy becomes my own desire,

Their needs the fuel of heaven's fire.

Until the will that lived to take

Begins to give for others' sake.

And every complaint that once arose

Becomes a door through which love flows.

For love does not demand I never fall,

But teaches me to turn to You through all.

And every time I choose to give again,

The heart finds purpose even in its pain.

The greatest gift was not that doubt would cease,

But that through doubt I learned the path to peace.

And what the body called a sacrifice,

The soul discovered was the gift of life.